I wish I never met you. That way, I would’ve never ruined your life.
The Town Without me
When I get bigger, big enough to go somewhere by myself, I want to go to a land that’s far away. I want to go to a faraway island. I want to go to an island that has no people. I want to go to an island that has no pain or sadness. On that island, I can climb a tree when I want to climb, swim in the sea when I want to swim, and sleep when I want to sleep. When I think about the town without me, I feel a sense of relief. I want to go far, far away.
June 6, 2018 The thoughts are always still there in the back of my head. It’s embedded too deep in me to ever forget. How can I just forget the essence of what made me. I am what I am because of my own choices.. Why does it feel so comfortable thinking like that? It feels so natural and like that’s what I truly am. In the end, I guess I’ll always be this way. Who wants to love someone who hates more than anything else anyway. Things just never end well for me, and that’s that lol
Why did I even decide to bring another person into my life again lol I’m too selfish and stupid to care for someone else. I should’ve just kept on doing what I was doing. I got caught up in the energy of other people and put myself here. Isn’t it what I wanted though..?
—
May 9, 2018
I don’t know if my anger and hate is something that can just go away. How can I forget any of this? How can I forgive what’s happened? Because of all the shit I went through, I am who I am today and I’m content with it. Yes, there’s always room for improvement but this is what I’m used to. I’ve been dealing with all my shit on my own for my whole life. I don’t need anyone else to come and fuck up what I’ve been doing. I’m improving on my own, even if it’s little by little. That’s all I need for now. But what I need and what you want are two different things. You’re so important to me, but you can’t see past this side of me because of your own personal views. I don’t blame you at all, but it’s just who I am. And if you aren’t okay with it, then our views conflict too much at this point. I acknowledge that some people need help dealing with their anger, but I believe that I’m not one of those people. You see it as me not ‘letting you in’, but that’s not it.. What I see is that you don’t like how I really am. I need mental isolation, but you see that as unhealthy. You say this is important to you, but it is to me too. I’m so stubborn about this because how I deal with my anger is the very essence of my being. I’m where I am now because of it. But if you want me to just change my ways just like that, I can’t do that. And I know you don’t want to be with someone like that. You’re so good to me, wanting to help and be there, but I just can’t be the person for you, with the way I am. I shouldn’t be dulling your shine anyway. You deserve better than an idiot. I just wish that I didn’t have to drag another person down with me. Things just never end well for me, like always.
——
May 3, 2018
For the first time in so long, I thought of things as how used to. To think that I could forget how something like this felt. It’s what I was used to. It’s what I conditioned myself to believe. It’s what I thought was best for me. I thought I changed, but I probably didn’t. I’ve tried so hard to change the way I think and go about things, but what ended up happening is that I simply added on, rather than to completely replace. What I felt then, and what I feel about how I am now both feel right, but I know they can’t coexist. They conflict too much and will cause problems. I wanted a change. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be who I wanted to be, not what I’m meant to be. But I can’t deny those suppressed feelings either. I really am trying man, I’m just always confused. “Things just never work out for me, and thats just the way it is.” I’ve told myself this time and time again, and each and every single damn time, I’m right. The moment these thoughts begin to affect anyone around me, I’ll know what needs to be done. No one needs to be affected when I’m the one the sole reason why I’m like this. No one but myself can help me now, but I’ll figure it out. I always do.
“A young girl, scarred by her broken family, sat in an animal shelter with a kitten under each arm, and said quietly to them, “It’s all right, I don’t have a home either." “
Different settings, same meaning. Home is where you feel comfortable and are wanted. Guess that means I never had a home.
“Family is the only thing you can count on.” I fucking hate when people say stupidass shit like that because it ain’t the same for everyone. I fucking hate anyone related to me. Anytime I’m near anyone I’m related to, I’m angrier than ever.
